Today adds another tragic milestone in my life. My significant other and I joined a group of survivors of the stealthy but venomous blighted ovum. If youāre unfamiliar with the term, a blighted ovum is when your body starts to create a blastocyst (before embryo) and due to chromosomal issues it doesnāt take. Thatās not the sneaky or even venomous part; the sneaky part is that your body thinks that itās pregnant and brings with it all the fun of a first trimester pregnancy; the joys and excitement, the vomiting and extreme fatigue and so much more. The excitement and anticipation reaches new highs when you finally make it to the first ultrasound. There with your significant other, you both wait with anticipation to hear the heartbeat and see your little mini on the screen. Except the screen doesnāt have a mini. And there it is, the venomous part. The screen is a large, empty, black hole where mini (blueberry, peanut, angel) should be. The fear, disbelief and devastation start to circle as the doctor continues to look. And then finally they pull the wand out and say the first two words you never want to hear āIām sorryā. Shock comes first, then sorrow, then devastation as your mind works hard to rationalize and find solutions to something that doesnāt have one.
The only solutions you have now are to wait until your body decides itās not pregnant, which can take several weeks and feels like labor for many, or you go in for a good scraping and cleaning that can lead to scar tissue and infection. These are now your options on the menu. Not is it a boy or girl or multiples, brown eyes or green, itās now how do I expel everything Iāve been holding and nurturing for months.
Some will try to comfort and say itās pretty common or you can always try again. They mean no harm. Theyāre trying and neither of you knows what to say. For me, Iāve asked for space until I know what to say and until I move to acceptance.
If you have gone through this or are going through it, my heart goes out to you and youāre not alone. Grieving is individual and not on anyone elseās timeline. Take your time to sit, cry, think but donāt blame yourself. Every piece of evidence shows that this is your body saying that something wasnāt right from the start.
If you know someone who has gone through it or is going through it, then providing space until they come to you may be the best option all around.Ā If you feel this may help them in some way to not feel alone, please feel free to share.
Love & Hugs,
xAng
No words, love you
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From one broken heart to another š
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I had to come back to this today, healing is personal and there’s no wrong way to get to it, no matter how long it takes. I feel your pain.
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