Today adds another tragic milestone in my life. My significant other and I joined a group of survivors of the stealthy but venomous blighted ovum. If you’re unfamiliar with the term, a blighted ovum is when your body starts to create a blastocyst (before embryo) and due to chromosomal issues it doesn’t take. That’s not the sneaky or even venomous part; the sneaky part is that your body thinks that it’s pregnant and brings with it all the fun of a first trimester pregnancy; the joys and excitement, the vomiting and extreme fatigue and so much more. The excitement and anticipation reaches new highs when you finally make it to the first ultrasound. There with your significant other, you both wait with anticipation to hear the heartbeat and see your little mini on the screen. Except the screen doesn’t have a mini. And there it is, the venomous part. The screen is a large, empty, black hole where mini (blueberry, peanut, angel) should be. The fear, disbelief and devastation start to circle as the doctor continues to look. And then finally they pull the wand out and say the first two words you never want to hear “I’m sorry”. Shock comes first, then sorrow, then devastation as your mind works hard to rationalize and find solutions to something that doesn’t have one.
The only solutions you have now are to wait until your body decides it’s not pregnant, which can take several weeks and feels like labor for many, or you go in for a good scraping and cleaning that can lead to scar tissue and infection. These are now your options on the menu. Not is it a boy or girl or multiples, brown eyes or green, it’s now how do I expel everything I’ve been holding and nurturing for months.
Some will try to comfort and say it’s pretty common or you can always try again. They mean no harm. They’re trying and neither of you knows what to say. For me, I’ve asked for space until I know what to say and until I move to acceptance.
If you have gone through this or are going through it, my heart goes out to you and you’re not alone. Grieving is individual and not on anyone else’s timeline. Take your time to sit, cry, think but don’t blame yourself. Every piece of evidence shows that this is your body saying that something wasn’t right from the start.
If you know someone who has gone through it or is going through it, then providing space until they come to you may be the best option all around. If you feel this may help them in some way to not feel alone, please feel free to share.
Love & Hugs,