One of the strongest forms of demonstrating self-love and self preservation is to let go of what binds you, what impedes on your spirit, what contradicts your values, what depletes what you need to stay whole.
We all have needs, genuine needs that have to get met to be a whole person. This is based off of amazing research (that I will later share in a video on how to determine your own individual needs). There is necessary balance of give and take with the needs of each person in a relationship (personal or professional) and often times there are people on the depleted or empty side of that balance. Unfortunately, this leads to a cycle of feeling stressed, sometimes resentful etc. which can create you feeling less and less self-love and self-trust and them to feel less and less trust, respect, consideration etc. This cycle can perpetuate, deepen, and go on for as long as it takes until WE choose to break the cycle.
The first step is to recognize your contribution to the imbalance and ask how you may have contributed or created the opportunity for others to take advantage and ultimately deplete your need/s. Next, decide what boundaries, roles/responsibilities etc. you need to reestablish to regain your portion of the balance and begin getting your needs met. Take your time with this and don’t be afraid to revisit this as often as needed. I call it self-maintenance and journaling is a great way to track it! Finally, those changes need to be implemented and that can take personal courage to be successful. I suggest beginning with your own behavioral modifications and demonstrating the way you would like to be treated first. Caution: do NOT make these changes expecting a change in others. Make these changes for yourself without expectation and others will likely sense that authenticity and make their own adjustments; it’s influence over change, not brut force (which only causes resistance). As you are demonstrating the changes you would like to see, start having the conversations with those most impactful to you and those that can support you the most. Speak about what you are looking to achieve with these changes and ask for support and assistance with accountability (aka-helpful feedback); I call them accountabilibuddies. This added layer of accountability assists with preventing falling back into the imbalance and boundaries you (and others) have been used to. There is comfort in familiarity and that doesn’t make it less toxic to us, just comfortable. My philosophy is that the most learning happens beyond the point of comfort. You can then work your way into the more difficult conversations about what your needs are and how you plan to meet them.
At some point you may have to make the tough decisions if those around you are not on board with supporting you meeting those core needs (as described in the picture below). At this point the question to ask yourself may be, “what am I risking by keeping this relationship/situation?” or “what am I willing to lose or put up with i.e. deal breakers?” ONLY you know what these answers truly are and what you truly need, others may try to tell you but you are the only one that wakes-up and sees you in the mirror. You know, your gut knows, your heart knows…
If there is doubt and more support is needed, ask us in the AAA page of this blog or simply comment. I wish you the best with this process, rewriting boundaries, and getting your needs met❣ Share this with anyone you know that could use a hand. Cheers – Ang @}~
(Photo courtesy of Ammie Brandon)